Saturday, November 25, 2006
Raining. Always with fricken rain around here. I felt so numb and lifeless. I just sat there letting the drops make waterfalls down my hair and into my eyes, staring blankly ahead wallowing in the shock of what I had seen and wondering where I went wrong.
I couldn’t remember how I got there or why I came. This place seemed to pull me here. It’s always murky and full of despair. Funny how this place had come full circle. My first visit to Pashhow Marshlands I nearly died only to be saved by my white knight and now the place that was a fond memory of a sweet beginning was sucking me in again to draw me deep in despair over an unexpected end.
He was meant to be MY white knight. For months we were inseparable. Every moment that we could we were either together or talking about being together. I don’t know how this happened. I really thought he was “the one.” You know, the one I get to bring home to Mom as her son-in-law. But now that was never going to happen.
As I thought about it tears blended into the rain and rolled down my cheeks. The image of him with her felt like a dagger in my chest stealing my breath and breaking my heart. Even in the betrayal I admit that I wished he would ride up on his chocobo again and wipe the mud and tears off my face.
I had already confronted him with the photograph of him holding and kissing her. He said he thought we were only friends. He didn’t mean to upset me. I don’t know how we could be so different in our feelings. I guess it was my fault. I wasn’t clear somehow. Or was it his fault for not realizing that I not only felt we were a couple, I wanted to marry him? How could he not know?
I reached into my bag and rubbed the soft peddles of the flower necklace between my fingers. It didn’t seem that long ago but it had been months since that sweet sunset on the beach.
Rebornsoul was a Hume. Maybe I had been fooling myself to think a Hume could love an Elvaan. We couldn’t even have children and he always seemed like a family man. Thinking he wanted a future with me was foolish.
When I told him I couldn’t be friends he just looked at me in shock. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t beg me to change my mind. He didn’t ask me why. Just nothing. I think nothing was the most painful thing he could have done. When you don’t care anymore nothing is the easiest thing to do.
Brodie was my white knight. What was I supposed to do without him?